2004-10-01 - Football Fever 04
Low Memorial Steps
Ladies and Gentlemen and King's College Alumni, back despite popular demand, it's the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[Fanfare]
featuring:
J. Seth Low, Low Library
J. Nicholas Murray Butler, Butler Library
J. Lee Bollinger, can you say Bollinger Library of Manhattanville
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to cryptic, cold, calculating, riot inducing, cracked, callous, calumnious, centennial, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation, Low Memorial Plaza where the phallic fountains are long lasting, but sadly not the men, and the only woman around is cold, stoic, and long since retired. Featuring Princeton going down to defeat, C250 wrapping up, and the vengeful ghost of Charles McKim awakened by the construction of Lerner, The band now presents first consecutive, 69th annual drive to reenact the student strike of 1968.
[Who Owns]
Earlier this summer marked the 200th Anniversary of the Hamilton-Burr Duel, which took place on the cliffs of Weehawken, NJ. Notable Columbia alumnus and Governor of New Jersey, James E. McGreevy was in attendance. In his speech he noted that, " throughout his life, he had grappled with his own identity, and who he was. Even as a young child, he was torn between his allegiance to Columbia and to New Jersey." He was so impressed by the fair, young actor who played Burr that McGreevy promptly bought him a bottle of wine and appointed the lad Director of New Jersey Homeland Security. Now that he has come clean on the issue, and seeing as New Jersey isn't his damn problem anymore, the band is pretty sure he won't be rooting for Burr. Now, not to ruin the ending of the duel for those who missed it, but Hamilton got fatally shot, and he didn't do any better in the reenactment. Fatally wounded, Alexander rowed himself across the Hudson. On the way he remarked, "If some mark upon on my soul should sentence me to hell, the least I can do is not die in New Jersey." Hamilton died a man of great accomplishment, whereas Burr really did try to secede from the United States, was nearly convicted of treason, and went pretty crazy. But, even though Burr is a loss, the College of New Jersey can still relish in the work of Princetonians like Woodrow Wilson and his League of Nations and institutional racism. In honor of Aaron Burr, Emperor of Mexico, the West, and the Sovereign Penguin Territories of Antarctica, the band now plays "Basketcase" and forms Burr’s comeuppance.
[Play Basketcase, Form Burr's Comeuppance]
Another group of great Columbia alumni were the Beats. Tonight in fact there will be reading of Beat Poetry at the West End, in consummation of 60 years since Ginsberg and Kerouac danced on the bar together. But thinking back Jack Kerouac must have had a great time in the year and a half he spent at Columbia. He played on a winning football, got to live in Hartley, drunk dialed his professors as often as was necessary, and since he got kicked out, didn't have to pay for two and a half years of tuition. But the band has to ask if these really the best role models for Columbia students. Sure Kerouac may have written On the Road, but would campus security be that happy if I got tripped out on acid. Do you really want me climbing into a barrel and rolled down to Koronet’s? Not to mention Lucien Carr. Lord knows what CU Security would do if I murdered my gay former Scoutmaster in Riverside Park after heavy drinking at the 'Stend and then called up my buddy Jack Kerouac to hid the knife. Oh that’s right … they'd probably need to Swipe my ID card again. But if C250 insists, that edification is only through these hipster dynamo that saw the best minds of their generation destroyed by madness, burning in the machinery of the night, then the band knows there's only one thing left to, kick back and get "Sedated."
[Play Sedated, Form Sedation]
With all this reminiscing of Columbia past, there leaves only a few brief moments for the News stories of Columbia present. Ripped from the headlines. Recently it seems that Miranda, a Barnard Grad is strong beautiful and independent. President Bollinger’s recent acquisition of McDonald's and plans to turn it into another fast food chain. A sequel to this summer's blockbuster smash will be made tentatively titled, Harold, Kumar, and Lee, build a White Castle in Harlem. Recently, it seems, that Washington, DC is full of idiots. And, so is Princeton. Bandwidth quotas were established starting last Wednesday at 11 am. In unrelated news, President Bollinger missed the University Senate meeting on Thursday citing computer issues. In commemoration of this hodgepodge of knowledge and 250 years of the smorgasbord of wisdom that is Columbia, the band now forms Chaos and plays her favorite tune.
[Play Skater Boy, Form Chaos.]
Well that's all from us for today folks. Don't steal any of those now outdated C250 banners on the way out, which incidentally would make a great addition to your living room.